Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
