if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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