i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
