woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
