so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
