I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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