I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
