I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
