Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
