allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
