i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
