Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
