my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
