Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
