I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Too much gin, very little bucket
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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