this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
