I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
My vagina is very pro this idea
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
