R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
