I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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