I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
