I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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