I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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