he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
