I'm so fucking centered right now
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
