Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We need a shit load of segways right now
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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