saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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