I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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