They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
