Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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