i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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