Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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