summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
