in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
