Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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