Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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