I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
