I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
