i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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