I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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