is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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