Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
