I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm at about main and main street
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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