Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
