I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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