Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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