Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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