Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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