I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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