When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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