wanna go halves on a baby?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
