On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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