just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
